Well since the beginning of time men and women have been trying to figure out how to get along and create a wonderful life and future. It’s more than a notion to assume that relationships will last forever. Many first-time marriages fail at an ever increasing rate of fifty percent. The percentages get worst with the second and third marriages. And it doesn’t matter what race or economic class your fall under, the problem is a struggle for everyone.
With the creation of online dating, it has become quite easy for men and women to seek out new people to meet, date and perhaps even marry. However, the convenience comes with consequences of its own. It’s also easy to cheat on a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend. In fact, I read an article that stated that about 30% of persons who sign up to various date sites are married. Additionally, 30 to 60 percent of single people on dating sites are dating multiple people they have met online.
In my experience, I have met a few women who date a number of men online. One, in particular, bragged about dating twenty-five men at once. She had a pretty loose sex life I should point out. Needless to say, I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with her. My desires were for something deeper than that. Of course, there are a greater number of men who bounce around from woman to woman too.
This is a real problem because you can never know who is out to get laid or who is truly seeking a long term relationship. It becomes really frustrating and in many cases, good people just give up. The sadder reality is that good men and women often get hurt because they were used and taken advantage of by a shyster.
There is hope for real love and real relationships so don’t give up. I think we simply need to ask the right questions up front and not be afraid to really probe. So I have come up with 20 good questions you should ask yourself and the person you are trying to get to know. And let me say right off the bat, some of these standards are high and the questions are intrusive. However, I think if a potential date and possibly life-long mate can’t handle them, maybe they aren’t worth being with anyway. So in my opinion, you have just cut out the riff raft and save yourself some time and aggravation.
So with that, let’s begin with question number one.
Are you married? This should be a no-brainer but you have to ask it because people cheat and lie about it. If a person is married they have two choices. Get out of the marriage if it’s a bad one. Or, get counseling and fix the marriage. Dating while you’re married to someone is not the answer. And it’s never fair to any of the parties involved.
Are you dating someone else? If you don’t ask you won’t know. This gets it clear in everyone’s mind that you’re not interested in dating a serial dater. And you shouldn’t want to be one yourself.
Are you willing to make a commitment to the relationship? I think you have to be committed to investing in the time it takes to get to know a person. It becomes meaningless when you are an option rather than a high priority. So persons need to have a sense of what level of commitment they are committed to.
Do you have time for a relationship? Our lives are busy and sometimes they are complicated. We have crazy work schedules. We travel out of town for work. We may have kids in school who need more of our time and so all of these real life issues make it difficult to date. It’s a hard thing to come to terms with but you may have to stay single until you really have the time to date right. Otherwise, you’ll be in a frazzled relationship that will ultimately end anyway.
Are you over your ex? Never date someone who is recently divorced or just out of a relationship because there hasn’t been enough time to heal. We need time to assess, analyze, evaluate and contemplate the mistakes. We need time to figure out what we really want and need.
Are you faithful? I would rather a person just be honest about that. Some people need variety and aren’t made for long-term relationships. Those persons shouldn’t be looking to date their opposite then right? However, we know that persons who have narcissistic, selfish ways only think of themselves. So we need to confront this right up front.
Are you only looking for sex, friends with benefits or a one night stand? Get clarity! If that is what you want then be honest about it and only seek out persons with like minds. If you want a serious, long-term relationship then don’t compromise. Don’t settle for what your heart truly doesn’t want.
Do you support your underaged kids? Men who don’t care enough about their kids to support them financially, surely won’t care about you. If he is divorced or fathered them out of wedlock, his first obligation is to those kids, not dating. Don’t be suckered in by his charm sweetheart. Red flags are right there in your face, pay attention!
Who picks up the tab? Some men feel that the tab should be split 50/50, especially on a first meeting. Some men feel the woman should pay the bill on a date all the time. I call these men unemployed. Yes, ladies, there are men who date and don’t have jobs, live with relatives or friends and are just waiting for a naive little sweet thing to come along so they can take advantage of your kindness.
Do you have your own car? You’d be surprised how many people are expecting you to pick them up because they don’t have a car. Well, why don’t they have one? You need to know this because it will indicate something about their decision-making process. Was it repossessed? Was it totaled because of drinking while intoxicated? Are they legally blind? I’m not kidding you, ask the question.
Do you have a job or a source of income? A job may not be necessary if you’re dating someone over 60 but it certainly is important to a younger person. Would you want to date someone who can’t keep a steady job? Nobody is that good-looking.
How is your credit rating? Of course I’m serious! Because you need to know how responsible they are in life. Do they pay their bills on time? Is someone taking them to court due to unpaid debt? Do they have liens and judgments filed against them? Do you want to get mixed up in that nightmare? Ask the question. A person with bad credit is a risk. They don’t manage money well.
Now sometimes an unforeseen crisis happens and that is different. But a person who is just irresponsible isn’t worth your time. They will eventually harm your credit or finances. They will certainly be asking you for loans.
How do you feel about debt? Do you want to date a person who maxes out their credit cards or tends to use very little credit to pay for things? Which person do you think has an easier time paying their bills?
Are you a user? There are people who go through life never paying their way. It’s a life style for them. They seek out enablers to finance their carefree living. Don’t be a victim, ask the question.
Do you have control issues? Now we get into emotional issues. You want to know a person’s state of mind. How will they react to you having friends or family around? Do they need to keep tabs on you throughout the day? Will they try and change your personality and kill your spirit?
Do you have anger issues? This is important to know, right? What have they done to work on this if there is a problem in this area? Are they in therapy? Do they believe in counseling? Are they on drugs to control outburst? You need to know these things. What if they have issues but refuse to get it treated? What consequences will this possibly cause you in the future? Ask the question?
Do you have trust issues? Can you imagine the misery associated with a person who is always looking for the other shoe to drop? Who is afraid that you may leave them or break up with them? Who then combines those fears with control issues or anger issues? What a mess of a relationship that will be. Ask the question.
Do you struggle with being honest? There is nothing worst than dealing with a liar in my opinion. I hate a liar more than any other character flaw because you can’t believe anything they tell you. Some people will lie with ease. I’ve caught a person red-handed who still insisted on lying to me. Wow!
Do you have addictions that you’re struggling with? It’s a terrible thing seeing a person losing their soul to substance abuse. If you aren’t equipped to deal with something so demanding, you need to know the answer to this question.
What have you not told me about you? This person could be in prison or under house arrest for example. They could live in another state the majority of the year. I talked to a friend who met a man for dinner who never revealed that he was in a wheelchair and handicapped. She was gracious and kind to him but that was totally unfair to her.
Well, I hope these questions was an eye opener for some of you. Please fill free to comment below. I would love to read some of your experiences.